I am not sure where this has come from. The urge to kind of try and very self-indulgently make myself feel better I suppose. But I am sure I am not the only one who gets/feels like this. Surely not...
I know when I finally stop blubbering and spill the beans it isn't even going to seem an issue at all. And that is part of the issue.
On a regular, every day basis, I would say I am a pretty confident person. Inwardly I am a social mouse. When faced with situations that is ever so slightly out of my comfort zone, I fold in on myself. Obviously not literally, but I may as well! I automatically feel so much self-awareness; how my outfit looks, is my hair okay, please God don't say my mascara has run..... and so on and so forth. I get awkward. I get tongue tied and start saying weird things, verbal diarrhoea for want of a better word.
Now normally I am okay with being slightly kooky. In fact usually I embrace my 'alternative' characteristics, but when in these new zones of discomfort, the traits in which I like in myself become the things that make me feel and act like an outsider. I no longer know how to interact like a normal person and feel inferior to others.
This isn't how I should be. I know that. I know that when I speak to my mum, friends, boyfriend or work colleagues about this that they will say I am just being stupid. To go and do [insert thing which is making you become a freakish alien here] and enjoy myself. I know that I will be told to get over myself, that I have nothing to worry about. That I am a nice, fun girl. And deep down I know I am.
So what is this horrible niggle I get? Like a little gremlin in my noggin telling me that what ever situation, what ever outing, what ever new scenario that I might find myself in, even walking from my seat to the loo on my own in a restaurant I haven't been in before, that I am going to be judged from head to toe, inside and out. From the conversation I make to the way I walk.
I can feel the relief of this burden being shared as I type each word. Cliché and corny I know, but sometimes all you need is to get it out in the open. And ironically if people I know, whether that is closely or those who are just an acquaintance ever read this, they really will be the ones who are reassessing me. Gathering this new knowledge of me that they didn't know before, processing it and deciding whether or not I am on their wave length any more or if I am one to avoid. No doubt they are going to have a new idea of the kind of person I am, if I really am the weirdo they always suspected me to be.
Who knows whether or not this will even be posted. It might just sit in my drafts collecting virtual dust until I either press the publish button or get rid of it and these words will be lost to the huge online dustbin, no doubt to be squashed by the various other posts, emails, letters, forums of thoughts and feelings that are felt to be better left unsaid. I suppose if you are reading this I have braved it and just gone with it. Im only sharing it with the internet after all - no biggie!
(I Promise I'm Not Always Miserable)